“How to Confront” Part 2 (Under the Juniper Tree S4E9)

Under the Juniper Tree Season 4, Episode 9 for Thursday, November 17, 2016

A.     Do not place them on the defensive.

1.      Do not call them out in a public place.

2.      Offer them personal space (don’t get in their face – offer them at least a foot or two).

B.     Actually tell them the problem.

1.      Honestly, this is a problem I have heard with many females.

2.      They get angry with the husband/boyfriend and when asked, “What’s the matter?” the response is, “YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!”

3.      If we have to ask what we did wrong, we obviously don’t know what we did.

C.     Choose Your Words Carefully

1.      Take a moment to really think of what you want to say.

2.      Matt 12:36-37

3.      Try not to use “you” statements but “I” statements.

4.      “You embarrassed me in front of everyone, you idiot!” vs “When you embarrassed me, I felt ashamed!”

5.      The main purpose behind the confrontation is to have a need met without making the other person get on or remaining on the defensive.

6.      There are four parts of the discussion (all done in a non-judgmental way)

i.        “When you” where you describe the conflict with specific and concrete terms. Do not use absolutes like always, never, and every time.

ii.      “I feel” where you disclose your feelings about the behavior. Try not to use words that are judgmental in nature or intended to bring guilt upon the head of the person.

iii.    “Because” where you state the concrete effect it has on you. In order to be concrete, think about what was hurt. Maybe you were late for an important meeting. You could describe how it might have hurt your work effectiveness. Maybe it placed a strain on the households funds.

iv.    “I would like” where you state the specific and tangible behavior you would like to see changed. State what you believe to be acceptable, realistic, and fair.

D.     LISTEN

1.      Don’t spend the entire time talking.

2.      You might not understand the reason why the person did what they did or they may not even have realized they were causing you problems.

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